The One With Déjà Vu
Belinda, one of the other managers, and I were talking at work the other day, and I had a strange moment of déjà vu. Not like for a moment and then poof, it's gone, but long after I realized it was a déjà vu, it kept happening; the events I felt had happened before, kept unfolding around me. It was incredibly weird because it lasted for a few whole minutes and I never had such a powerful déjà vu before. I actually knew what was going to happen in the next second and if I had wanted to, I could have changed the future. It got me thinking about the whole concept of déjà vu, and seeing as I recently watched "Becoming", also got me thinking about Buffy.
That crucial moment in "Becoming" when she was studying with Willow in Ms. Calendar's old classroom and dropped a pencil to the floor and felt a déjà vu, she had no idea what it was all about. She had a distinct memory of the pencil falling and so she dropped it again and picked it up again, yet felt nothing. It gave her no indication of anything major except that the second time, when she attempted to reenact the déjà vu, she picked up, with the pencil, the lost disc containing a copy of Angel's original gypsy curse Jenny had been working on restoring before Angelus killed her. If she had never attempted to reenact the déjà vu, she would have never found the disc, Willow would have never tried to recurse Angel and a chain of events that would significantly change their lives forever for better or worse would have never been set in motion.
So what is a déjà vu? Is it just a memory, or maybe it is something else entirely, maybe it's something more? If one asked Buffy later if she would have done anything differently, given the permanent emotional scars that followed her having to send Angel – ensouled Angel – to hell, she would have said no, because one way or another, the restoration of Angel's soul brought Angel back to her, even if only to understand it was not yet time for them to be together. Angel would always be her one true love, and if she had never found the disc, she would have never had the chance to be with him again, and he would have never had the chance to become the hero he became. Our experiences shape us into what we turn out to be.
I think déjà vu is a warning. We make our choices for ourselves every day, every second of our existence, but how many of these numerous choices are conscious? A déjà vu, if powerful enough, gives us the option of making a conscious choice about our lives. People keep saying we can never know what the future would bring, yet a déjà vu like this gives us a chance to change our future. What difference would it make if you turned left when you knew you were mean to go right, what difference would it make if you said something when you knew you were meant to say something else… what difference would it make if you watched your pencil randomly roll off the desk and instead of only picking it up, grabbed along an old dusty disc that seemingly meant nothing? The answer is, all the difference in the world. So the déjà vu warns us; it shows us what's going to happen, and then it asks us – do you want to do something differently?
I believe we've been in this world before. No, I don't believe shit like that my mom was the neighbor's cat in her past life or that I can't squash a cockroach because it could have been my dead grandfather once. I believe that there are several realities to this world and that our souls occupy more than one; that we, as we are now, inhabited an alternate track of reality once before and still do now, and we lived our lives as we do now, and we did everything we have done and whatever we are still about to do. I think a déjà vu is a message a soul manages to somehow send from one reality to the next in which it asks to change things. In a way it's like saying, I've done this before, I know it will not turn out well; here is your chance to make it right, or just to make it better. Déjà vu's can be innocent and selfish; they range from being an honest cry for help to prevent a disaster to being attempts to avoid unnecessary future complications. It just that unfortunately, when we are hit with a déjà vu, we usually dismiss it, like I did even though I was aware of it. I can only look back now and wonder what I was meant to prevent, what I was meant to change. It was powerful enough to make me wonder if I damned or blessed my life by not trying to amend the future. Really makes me wonder how and when I will live to regret it. The thing is though that being the typical human, I probably won't even know that that déjà vu is what I'm regretting.
Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: Velvet Chain - Treason
Posted on Mon, Jan 14 2008 @ 22:14
200 comments
The One With A Good New Year
My first official blog in the New Year (not so new anymore). Kinda cool
. I have to say that I'm actually having a pretty damn good new year so far. Of course, it'll all change once the payments kick in by the end of January, but I'm not gonna waste pointless time thinking about that now.
My job is great, I adore my job, I totally and completely adore my job. Even bearing in mind the financial loss I suffered (or maybe not), I'm still so glad I moved. I actually have the best general manager in the world. Seriously though, Mr. Egan and Mr. Murray only prove that really the best of the best get promoted, while power-obsessed idiots stay in… Dundrum
(or what was it, get demoted to Dundrum?). anyway, there's the awesome days and the less awesome days, but on Sunday for example, I had the best of days – I was given department 4, the busiest and biggest department in the store, to manage all by myself, and department 2 and the ladies fitting rooms and I kicked major ass!
It was incredibly busy, but thank god I had a service leader; Anna was great. And it was the Winter Mark downs day and I got almost the entire list done, it was brilliant! And I worked so well with Mr. Eagan without Charmaine insisting on things getting done her way al the time, and the staff were great and we got the entire department tidy by the end of the day and the sales of the markdowns were great and… am I the dullest person on the planet? I don't care, it was such a brilliant day. 
Other than that, there is Buffy, which is now a part of my DVD collection and I'm elated
. I finally have Buffy, it's finally here, and I'm finally watching it. I'm at the moment in the middle of the second season, watching about 4 episodes a day. There are dozens of ways to watch Buffy, but I find that right now watching the entire show from start to finish is the best way. It's a strange sense of nostalgia, to be honest, and I'm loving it. Most of these episodes I haven't seen in months if not years because I never had the entire show on DVD (or even VCR back in the day) and it ended years ago, so it's a real blast from the past. The most interesting part is when you already know the entire thing and know exactly what's going to happen, you can recognize the tiny seeds of ideas joss had for the future, planted in the first and second seasons, etc., that you'll know will only blossom coming the later seasons; all the little hints he places for future developments that might still be years in the making. And the dialogue… the brilliant Buffy dialogue, absolutely priceless
, not to mention watching my favorite characters grow up and develop in every episode, to get reacquainted with younger Giles, Willow, Xander, Buffy, Angel, Cordelia, Oz knowing what will become of them in later years, and of course the unforgettable Spike and Dru, Jenny and Joyce. I missed them so much, I almost cheered when Spike first appeared in "School Hard", his first episode!
I can't wait to get further in the seasons. If I only had Buffy-obsessed friends, we could have watched it in groups. Ah well. Wishful thinking.
Well, as you might know or not know, a show storm covered most of the Emerald Island in the past week, and of course, skipped Dublin almost entirely. No snow for this girl, na-ah
. I should have gone to Galway. Dammit. On the bright side, one friggin cold morning I was walking down the street, just left my house on the way to the luas to go to work, and it was completely dark, around 7AM, -6 degrees outside and I was just thinking, what kind of stupid animal would be out in a weather like this… and just as I was thinking that, a little fox ran past me! Cuteness
. We're a little short on cats at this time a year, they're all in their homes warming up by the fires, so the foxes feel a little down, what's with having no one to scare, but apparently they still wander out of the woods in Dublin Mountains to visit our homes. Sweet
.
Mood: Buffied
Listening to: Vivaldi - Four Seasons, Spring
Posted on Tue, Jan 8 2008 @ 15:00
2 comments
The One With 2008
Happy New Year, people! 
Mood: Moodless
Listening to: Take That - Relight My Fire
Posted on Tue, Jan 1 2008 @ 01:09
Leave a comment
The One With Almost New Year
Last entry for 2007. Wow
.
I guess this is the part where I should tell about what my Christmas was like, but I don't have a whole lot to say. Some people from work were going to the pub on Christmas eve, but I decided not to, plus I was supposed to have a date on Christmas eve, but decided not to do that either (either it really didn't feel like the right time, or it was me making excuses again… haven't decided yet). On Christmas day, I did nothing. I actually slept through most of the day, which frankly was amazing. I don't remember the last time I slept so much and it was brilliant. For the first time in what seemed to be ages I didn't need to worry about having to get up for work or study or exams, I could just sleep. It was beyond brilliant. Later in the day, Stephen came over and I religiously carried out my traditional annual viewing of "It's A Wonderful Life" (which he, as it turned out, never seen… I swear to god, sometimes it just seriously hits me the guy lives in his own little world, notwithstanding the film… but he knows that, don't you?).
On St. Stephen's Day, we went to the Leopardstown Races, together with more than half of Dublin (and who knows how many more from the rest of the country). Really, the Luas that day was like on Paddy's Day, only the other way around – coming from town, it was bursting, but coming from Sandyford, it was empty. Was kinda funny
. Anyway, it was a grand day. The weather was amazing, although the lighting for the photos kinda sucked. At least it didn't rain. The races were amazing and the horses absolutely gorgeous. Watching a horse run is really one of the most breathtaking sights on the world and every time I see one, it only painfully reminds me how long it's been since I last rode a horse
(watching them is one of the most gorgeous sights in the world, but riding them is without a doubt one of the most amazing feelings in the world). But nostalgia aside, it was a brilliant day. I know most people go for the betting, or maybe the tradition of the whole thing, but I go to the races for the horses. Even though every race is about a couple of minutes long, watching them for the few seconds they flash past you is worth it. They are unbelievably gorgeous, so noble and beautiful, like they know exactly what they're worth and bearing in mind their average intelligence, they probably do. Although I adore horses in general, there is no denying thoroughbred race horses are in a league of their own. The unbelievable intelligence and beauty of these animals has very few rivals. They know they are born to run, born to win; they are impatient and ruthless, they are incredibly smart and competitive; they live to be the best and know they are the best, and when you look up at them, you can feel little but awe and admiration.
The horse has been a universal symbol of nobility, intelligence, superiority and grace. Throughout the ages, there was a good reason why men who managed to tame wild horses were so highly regarded, why men who managed to ride them and overpower them were so respected. Men who could properly communicate with horses are extremely rare, and no, a "horse whisperer" is not just a movie. These people are real, and they are very, very rare; to see into the soul of that animal is a rare and enviable gift. When Swift wrote about the Houyhnhnms, he simply gave new form to a myth that had existed for centuries. Man's admiration of horses is timeless. I really think they will fascinate us for as long as we coexist.
Anyhow, I did say the weather was not exactly spectacular for photography, but I did get a few shots, so I'm sharing them on Flikr. Here's a tiny sample:


.Mood: Conflicted
Listening to: Eddie Vedder - Society
Posted on Mon, Dec 31 2007 @ 20:06
Leave a comment
The One With The "Into the Wild" Book
I finally finished reading "Into the Wild" by John Krakauer. It took me longer than I had expected, but I guess working 10 hours a day and then being way too tired to read will kinda do that to you. But it also took me longer for a different reason; rereading certain passages more than once, even more than twice. It happens with me quite often when I read books. I'm not one of those people who finish a book in a day because their eyes flew over the page and then they can say they read it. I accept it is one way to read, but later, if you ask these people if they really got to the core of the book (and as far as I'm concerned, books you can read like that don't have a whole lot of "core" to begin with), they might have an answer, but deep down, they probably won't really know what to say. I was tempted to underline or highlight certain passages, but ended up not to. I can never really bring myself to write in books. I don't know, I guess it's just this line I don't cross, I think the only book where I really couldn't help myself was "The Call of the Wild" by Jack London. Here I just settled on dog-earing a few pages, but in most cases I didn't even do that much. The review for this book won't be too long (now, I realize that when I introduce a passage with these words, it means that it will be way too long, but in this case, I severely doubt it), mostly because I said so much in my blog about the film, and also… because literary speaking, the book, unfortunately, inclined towards the rather bad.
John Krakauer is not a writer, he is a journalist; a reporter. Supposedly a really good one, but in no way is he a writer. Grammatically, his book almost verges upon disastrous in too many places to count where I simply couldn't help but ask myself whether the man had ever gone to elementary school and studied the basics of English grammar. It's not the tenses that pose a problem for him; not in the slightest, but rather the punctuation, the basic structuring of sentences, arrangement of words and ideas bearing a reader in mind. In that aspect, his writing is not fluent at all, it is awkward, odd and unstructured. For me, who is used to great writers, it was bad enough to damage the book. That aside, proving once again that he is no writer, he does the terrible mistake of squeezing far too many filler chapters into his novel.
Now, don't get me wrong, filler chapters are a common feature, sometimes even in very good novels as they occur for a number of reasons, starting with writer's block and ending with needing to fill the desired words quota for a novel and having already delivered all of your ideas. In his case, his novel spins too often into side stories about himself, but most importantly about over a handful of other adventurers whose stories he decided to introduce because they supposedly had something relevant to Chris McCandless'. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't, but in my opinion they appeared to be entirely unnecessary, strenuous and uncalled for. When I bought the book, I wanted to read about Chris, about what happened to him, why and how; I wanted to understand him better, to understand what motivated him. I had no interest reading about these people, however impressive their adventures may have been, in stories spread over approximately four chapters altogether. The book is small, so I doubt it would have been a novel without these fillers so maybe that's why he did it, but for me as a reader it simply appeared that he took the easy way out. There was so much more to tell about Chris that could have filled so much space, if only he had done wider research and did not concentrate on these people (or himself).
The book is, of course, not a novel. It is a journalistic report with novelistic features and aspects (and length). Krakauer did what he did best: he reported. His writing betrayed little emotion, little depth. Maybe he did it because, in his journalistic fashion, he attempted to remain as neutral as possible, but it still rendered the book a bit awkward. The only thing that saved it and made it a very good book in spite of all these flaws is Chris. Chris' story, the provided insight into his character and the details uncovered by Krakauer that help better understand who he was and why he did what he did make this book the little treasure that it is. Even Krakauer in his awkward misfit storytelling technique could not take the charm that haunted everything to do with Chris McCandless away. The young man, his story, his adventure and his life were so extraordinary and interesting that as far as he was concerned, I couldn't put the book down. It left me with a thirst for more, a strong desire to know more about him, and an even stronger desire to retrace his steps and visit Fairbanks Bus 142. I know it's an unreal fantasy, but it exists nonetheless.
On a different note, the book painted a different image of Chris to the one we saw in the film. Firstly, it covered a lot of gaps, it explained a lot of things the film left desired for no other reason that it could not fit everything in, but it also revealed aspects of his character that simply were either not tackled or swept under the rug altogether. Firstly Sean Penn is a romanticist, and he is an artist. He will bring out the most relevant traits in his characters to tell his story and he will make sure we identify with this character in such way that, in spite of the character's numerous flaws, our loyalty will remain unwavering and it will tug at out very heart and soul. Krakauer has not the first idea how to do that and so he, once again, reported. And thanks to him I got to know the Chris that was not shown in the film. The real Chris McCandless was by far more selfish than the one Sean Penn described in his movie. The negative aspects of his parents and their relationship were increased for creative purposes, while if one reads the book, one realizes that it wasn't so black and white; that in fact his parents weren't nearly as bad and Chris wasn't nearly as good. I understand why Penn decided to avoid entering that territory, mostly because of how confining movie rules are, even to his free spirit, but Krakauer dryly reported and so he did. After reading the book, however, I have to say that I still relate to Chris, but I also understand that if Sean Penn had showed it as it was, the amount of people appreciative of the film would have been cut in about half, unfortunately. People are simply not ready for that. Chris, in real life, was far too flawed to be a hero and if people allow themselves to relate to that, they must allow themselves to recognize that we are all also too flawed to be heroes, and for most people today it is not an easy thing to recognize about themselves.
Chris' unspeakable selfishness and his denial and avoidance of intimacy and human contact weren't the least of his problems. His animosity towards authority and anyone trying to teach him or even imply he had something to learn were, among other things, what doomed him. He was a dreamer, he philosophized life when there was no need and even when everything was right before his eyes. All that came in interesting contrast with how intelligent he was and how eloquent he was. Another major contrast of his was his denial of common sense that many of those who knew him pointed out and yet his ability to be very practical and self sufficient (people who deny common sense are not practical or self sufficient, they simply exist in an illusion that they are). In another contrast, he concluded most of his philosophies from experience. Bluntly put, he did not talk shit to make himself look more intelligent than he was or to impress in philosophy. He preferred to actually experience life and know what he's talking about. I could relate to that. I could also relate to other aspects of him, some mentioned here and others not. "McCandless, in his fashion, merely took risk taking to its logical extreme," wrote John Krakauer. The only problem with it is that there is no logic in risk taking. And yet, oddly enough, in many ways, it was logic that drove Chris into the wild.
The other pearls in the book are the various quotations Krakauer included of the books that were found with Chris' body in the bus, passages Chris highlighted or underlined for whatever reason; passages that reflect the spirit within that young man. I could include them here, but it will just be too long. Instead, I will add them to my own quotation page sooner or later and hopefully will also read these books (in the case of Tolstoy, Pasternak and London, reread is more like it) soon, although finding time to read proves more and more difficult. But much like the life of Chris McCandless, reading these passages will leave you with a strong sense of desire to reflect upon your own life and the world around you; on what matters and what doesn't, on your desires and your hates, where you come from and where you're going and what have you done with your life that makes it worthwhile. Chris sneered at talkers and admired doers and that is precisely what he was. I can relate to him for that, too. He thought his desires through and then acted upon them; he was not known for unplanned decisions, in spite of what his death indicates to so many ignorant people.
My conclusion is read the book. It won't be a waste of your time.
Mood: Inspired
Listening to: Christmas songs
Posted on Tue, Dec 25 2007 @ 21:04
Leave a comment
<< Next 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Prev >>